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expectations by ~retrofires:iconretrofires:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open


I'm dragging exteriors
into interiors.
[let's etch this scar in too far,
i want a reminder of this fear]
It's a round a bout way of
ripping tatters and thoughts of
things-i-should-have-been.
[cause i can't deal with not being
what i think i should be.
no, not really.]

I am in flux,
I am not the concrete they need,
not the daughter they want.
[not concrete, just a lumpy mess
jumbled with bones and briars.]
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconretrofires:

Author's Comments

original -
I'm dragging exteriors
into interiors.
It's a round a bout
ripping tatters and things-i-should-have-been.

second draft-
I am in flux,
I am not the concrete they need,
not the daughter they want.

changed from "I'm dragging exteriors
into exteriors
ex-tearing rear
fearing interiors;
it's a round a bout
ripping tatters and things-i-should-have-been.


I am in flux,
I am not the concrete they need,
not the daughter they want. "



ahhhh....so not happy with this. grrarg.



ideas?

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconcynicalxpoet:
~cynicalxpoet Dec 17, 2008, 5:25:17 PM
I think I like the original better...
And I like the wordplay (it's confusing, but wordplay isn't always my thing). The ending is good, too.
:iconretrofires:
~retrofires Dec 17, 2008, 6:33:10 PM
ah, this one is being frustrating and annoying.
i don't think it's really working. i don't know. i want to wordplay again, like i did with and the rose is blooming and lost at sea.
i don't know. ah. yeah, and true. but ah well.

--
.I can't untangle what I feel and what would matter most.

And I'm not proud that nothing will seem easy about me.

Now there's just no point in reaching out for you..
:iconmynameislin:
~mynameislin Dec 17, 2008, 11:25:38 PM
i like the original one better too. you always have to keep in mind that the reader might not know what you are talking about, and the first one gives more room for relating and understanding. good job though, i really like the idea! work on the original a little more : )

--
"The best lack all conviction; while the worst are full of passionate intensity"
:iconmynameislin:
~mynameislin Dec 17, 2008, 11:26:38 PM
yeah def original now that im reading it again. the wording in the first stanza is great

--
"The best lack all conviction; while the worst are full of passionate intensity"
:iconcynicalxpoet:
~cynicalxpoet Dec 19, 2008, 8:16:43 AM
If you're not satisfied, maybe leave it and come back? Get a fresh outlook!
:iconexacerbate:
~Exacerbate Dec 20, 2008, 8:25:17 PM
I'm sort of a fan of the original one too, though I like the brevity of this incarnation. Maybe break up the stanzas of the first draft a little? :)

--
how many times
must I tell you
whatever blossoms
is rooted in the dark.

-Ed Ochester, The Muse, Unreconstructed.
:iconretrofires:
~retrofires Feb 1, 2009, 8:28:47 PM
Thank you, I'm glad you like it. yeah, I think I like it better that way.

--
.I can't untangle what I feel and what would matter most.

And I'm not proud that nothing will seem easy about me.

Now there's just no point in reaching out for you..
:iconretrofires:
~retrofires Feb 1, 2009, 8:32:47 PM
:) Yeah, I know, I tend to write somewhat cryptically or abstractly, I like to hide things and have a somewhat decent level of being able to bring your own stuff in.

--
.I can't untangle what I feel and what would matter most.

And I'm not proud that nothing will seem easy about me.

Now there's just no point in reaching out for you..
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